I wrote in my journal one night to find that Tori had responded to me on the next page. She is a sweet heart.
12/20/21 7:23 PM Never. Not even in fifty years. Not even in a decent lifetime. Not even at 81 years old would she trust me. And why should she? I'm the no one- the fuck up- that erodes trust more viscously than a thousand year flood. No one will ever put faith in me again. Never my family, my abandoned friends, and never anyone who loves me. Maybe it's just another way to keep me out. There's no reason to hide anything if it's all kept out of reach in the first place. I don't blame anyone but myself. I am the venomous corrosion of a thousand broken words and promises. I truly believe I will never again find the comforting luxury of another human's relaxed faith. I deserve whatever hell I receive for my tenacious transgressions. And here I am again: utterly alone by my own fault. No one will ever stay with you for fear of the poison you breathe into the innocent air that envelops the worthy souls around you. Stop believing. Start accepting. You are nothing.
12/20/21 8:53 PM I love you, and you are worthy of that love. I have so much faith in you. I believe in you - that you will one day turn around in surprise noticing that you are happy. Effortlessly happy. I want to be by your side on that day, as well as every painful, confusing, unpredictable day before then. There are times I say the wrong things out of frustration, fear, or a simple lack of thought. Please forgive me in these times For I truly never wish to hurt you. You bring me joy and comfort. You give my life hope. I can see our future laid out before us, And I am so excited for it. Please stay with me. Please accept my love. Don't give up on yourself - That would also be giving up on us. And we're forever, honey. I love you. SO, so much <3 You. Are. Worth. It.
