5/11/21 6:30 PM The last couple days I've woken up to unbridled despair, panic, and aversion. It's more than the routine exhaustion that this cholestatic itchiness has brought me the last two months. It's an IV drip of pure dread. The same oozing demon that used to visit me in my addiction on a daily basis. My entire body is shivering with anxious frustration. Every sound, every distraction, throws stabs of rage through my core. Sleep seems to be playing hide-and-go-seek with me, and it's hiding anywhere but my bed. I feel physically overwhelmed with impatient energy. I can feel it in my fingertips and on the press of my forehead. Tremors of doom take delight in my quiet moments. The words in my head are screaming, “FUCK!” while my entire demeanor reads casual indifference. Agitation taunts me with every bite of food I known I can't keep down. At least water seems content to rest in my belly. Its almost hard to tell the difference between the body sickness and the tension of my soul. Upon reflection, I can finds no source for my torment. It feels to be a simple fact of existence. A reality as intangibly present as the air around me. I breathe it in with every bated breath. The resting of my eyes offers no relief. A constant, shaky background ambience invades my body and mind every millisecond of consciousness. It feels so goddamned empty. A fearful sadness disguised as a human being. For someone so intensely motivated by personal relationships, I want nothing more than to be alone. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! Words speak out in my head, words begging for personal decay. I want to rot away. Maybe I just need more rest.
