Before My Next Breath

2/9/22 – 12:22 AM

	I feel so stuck. I desperately want to make my family and Tori proud of me for being sober. Fuck, I want to be proud of sober. But there is something wrong with me... The craving is oppressively constant and impossible to beat. It feels like imminent death. An anxiety so frighteningly strong that it feels like a heavy doom is moving towards me. I know logically that it's a neurochemical reaction based on fear, but knowing that doesn't help when it comes to the feeling/experience of it. And the absolute shame and loss of self worth every time I ask for alcohol, or just getting it on my own, is an unbearable increase in suffering. I feel like less of a person when I drink. I feel more and more like an inferior waste of space and air. 

	But somehow all this self torture isn't enough to stop me from drinking. I don't even enjoy it anymore. It's like a full-time job that I know will kill me. I call it “maintenance-” just something I have to get done before my next breath. I fucking hate this whole thing. Why couldn't I be normal? 

	I couldn't ask for a better girlfriend. She supports and believes in me. She does EVERYTHING possible to help me stop and get sober. I have never met a kinder soul than Tori. I can literally talk to her about ANYTHING! I wish I could make her proud of me. I wish I could contribute financially too.

	Sometimes I just want to die to end all the suffering I cause everyone.