Someday, Change.

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2/21/24 – 5:18 PM

This pervasive thought that some day everything is going to change,
That I only have to hold on and wait until then,
That all my issues will magically be corrected if I'm patient
is beginning to lose its decades old credibility.
I'm beginning to suspect there's no easy last minute victory.
Sure, I've been living in chaos since I can remember,
but it was all going to work itself out in the end.
Thirty-four years into my life, I think instability has missed its exit.

By now, everything was supposed to make sense.
By now, I'd be better.
By now, I should be an adult.

I find myself living the same life I had at eighteen,
childishly dependent on my family for basic support
and anxiously day-dreaming about getting a job,
all while fruitlessly passing the days in a lazy,
unproductive temper tantrum of stress and worry.

“Some day, it will all come together and click.”
Sixteen years later, I'm still waiting for the same train.
At what point do I find the answers and ability to
behave like a functioning, respectable member of society?
When do I learn to conquer my daily demons and grow?
There is some fundamental part of me that invisibly exists
to keep me chronically stuck behind in every aspect of life.
What am I not seeing?
What am I still failing to see?
I don't think I can afford to continue waiting for things to change.
Somehow, I have to make this work.