LIKE AND FOLLOW THIS BLOG
4/20/18 – 10pm
Life feels worthwhile for the first time in many, many years. The divorce went through and almost automatically, an unbearable weight was lifted from my shoulders. It wasn’t even a conscious relief or any sort of feeling of finality/closure. That just happens to be around the time I started feeling better about myself. The overbearing, suffocating, and relentless misery I had breathed for years seemed to vanished like a morning fog, dissipating to reveal a fresh, blue skied afternoon. My temperament seemed lighter and an unfamiliar intoxication of joyous smiles permeated my grace. I had known brief releases of laughter and enjoyable distractions that had cracked moments of sunshine upon the abyss of dead black tides in my soul, but they only casted futile shades of gray on the shell of my emotional pallet. The new flood of color I began to feel everyday as I awoke and lived each minute was an unexpected delight. I began to feel the warmth of new friendships and revitalizing swells of wellbeing in the form of general happiness. I was still plagued by long-term conditions of stress, irritability, self-doubt, and feeling utterly lost. However, it was as if the air had been purified of a musty plume of dirt and dusty debris. A fresh, clean gust of air entered my lungs and engulfed me in gasps of precious clarity. I was a drowning child breaching the ocean’s salty surface. A newborn drawing in the atmosphere for the first time and releasing a confused, passionate cry. Each new day gave birth to a curious and bewildered new me.
Time stretched forward and my novel happiness was equally balanced with a morbid fixation on all the things I still wasn’t doing right. I found myself lacking all the important life skills and responsibilities I knew I “should” be doing. A few months went by, and while I was still high on my fresh, raw enjoyment of being alive, a dark cloud ate away at my sense of life progress. But soon enough, I found a relatable sponsor, stopped drinking, and started a new job at a local car wash with fellow sober friends. Just 18 days sober and two weeks into my current employment, I am overcome with gratitude that I am finally doing the “right things.” So much guilt and self-criticizing has left me. I feel proud, excited, and finally at ease. All the right things are finally happening and I’m the one getting them done. I struggle to find words that even remotely describe the sensational joy and gratitude that swells in my heart as I ponder my current situation. No longer beaten and defeated by my demons of worthlessness and hopeless self-abandon. No longer waving the white flag of surrender to my own doubts and self-loathing. Instead, I feel like I’m standing on my own two feet, grinning at the universe.
Yay!!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽