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2/7/24 – 7:19 PM
Instead of a present mind,
I've settled for a spacey one lately,
always subject to a slight elusive displeasure.
That's what I've been feeling so much of,
Like everything is just kind of not right.
Just off... Not quite enough.
Grasping vaguely for something more,
no moment measures up to how I want it to be.
Fragments of calm slip through as I
slowly weigh the experience of now,
but it continually falls back to “not enough.”
Sluggishly discontent. Mildly restless of mind while
my body remains motionless. “This is all there is.”
I don't know if that's cause for dismay or relief.
Mayhaps a bit of both.
Body and mind wide awake, but I still feel asleep.
Impatience is what truly has me in a knot,
impatience with everything and myself.
I dip and dodge mentally from the sting of impatience.
It's like when you can't get comfortable at night
when it's a couple of degrees too hot or cold,
fidgeting to readjust the blankets,
never quite able to relax into bed.
That's how every moment has been for me of late,
a hissing sound constantly humming beneath the movie.
Something just distracting enough that I can't
fully enjoy the experience of anything right now.
Nothing as jarring as a fly in my ear,
more like smudged glasses at an art gallery.
Like wearing only one sock after the other got wet.
I don't know if the answer is more energy or less,
but I'm stuck between first and second gear.
If I'm forced to make due with how it is now,
as in there's no way to fix what isn't broken,
then I guess that's all there is to it.
Try to accept this as reality.
Reality isn't broken, I just see it wrong.
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