A study of the state of mind that is fully present and mindful, and just how impossible it can be to reach that silent serenity.
Table of Contents
The Silence
I long for steady silence. The kind that comes on a cold autumn night’s breeze and leaves me still, alive, and at peace. I wonder… if it came, would I hear it? Because I always seem to fill the spaces with my own voice… and thoughts… It comes as the gentle caress of opening a window in a stale, warm room. A whispering reminder that fresh-air and insight are the same thing. I long for that steady silence. Like grasping at smoke with fingers spread wide, one can only feel the breeze but cannot catch it. Only cling to the memory of a moment while unknowingly missing the next. I was fifteen years old when I first noticed the still of steady silence. The day had been routine, and just like any other Wednesday, my brothers and I were at Teen Choir practice at our church. After it ended, I kissed my girlfriend goodbye and climbed into the backseat of Matt’s car while my other brother, Kent, took shotgun. It didn’t take long before we were all singing to the radio that was blasting as we drove home. Looking out the window, I felt suddenly drawn to the streetlights that were passing by the car. The very sight of them filled me with a familiar feeling of infinite gladness: an inexpressible contentment I had never known. I sensed that all three seats were occupied by music, lights, and an unspoken (but singing) love. Radio blaring, I felt the still of silence that night.
The Fall
I watched you smirk away your own advice; the moment came and you passed it by telling yourself this was somehow different. You’re no different. You’re not your thoughts but your deeds will undo the smug comfort of your pride. Caught in the stream, life carries us from place to place and time to time, to here and now: Seeing that the water approached a fall, you screamed out from the riverbed a warning that filled your mouth with dirt. The babbling currents of conscious mind chatter in front of me, and occasionally, I notice the sound. You heard it crying loud beneath the waves but drowned yourself out by jumping in before sense could be made of the sounds. You seem to drift downstream thoughtlessly while your thoughts debate finer points of buoyancy. Your mind’s rapid hum obscures the roar of waterfalls. For being so silent here, it’s deafening. Even the thought that your thoughts splash around unchecked in my head adds to the noise. So we’re rushing down rapids towards a drop. I turn to you, “What next?” You close your eyes and think franticly of upstream. You wish desperately to reverse the flow, or at least to freeze it over, as if without the fall, you’d be ready for the winter. Where does me begin and where do I start?
The Winter
Flakes of snow appear ceaselessly under the porch lights and descend gently to collect on the winter floor- a delicate dance for one, but all together, a torrential stampede. Laying on my back, gazing into the black night beyond, the frigid winter of Maine is soaking my thin faded jeans and my bones shiver beneath my open leather jacket. I have no desire to stir from this strange euphoric paralysis. A frozen crystal wind scratches at the heat of my body. I should probably go back inside, my friends might be looking for me. It’s so tranquil and placid here, like this moment was meant only Pat’s cottage is something from a postcard, a picturesque New England lakefront cabin humbled beneath a titanic Milky Way panorama. I hear the others singing inside but I remain still and engrossed. As I remember, I can hear myself volunteer, “The fire’s low. Where do you stack the firewood? I’ll go,” get some for the fireplace. Jesse’s face smiled a drunken smirk as he had patted his pockets for a cigarette. I had seen him finish the pack an hour earlier but I watched with amusement as he expanded his search under the old brown coffee table. I wish Kaelea were here this weekend, she’d find the beer-can-pyramid majestic. I wonder if they’ve opened the gin and tonic yet -would they come and get me if they did-n’t I have a reason for being out here? I was going to do something… I came outside to -Oh my god, the flurry of snow atop the brittle trees paints such a serene scene. My eyes close without my notice. I see Red Neck Dave bursting into the bedroom and thrusting a red solo cup towards me, crying, “Wake up Drew! You need to catch up!” I smile and open my eyes to the garish shine of the back porch lights. How long have I been laying here? I feel so perfect right I’m so blessed to be What am I doing I’m suddenly overwhelmed with intention but lack a direction. I sit up and look around. Damn it’s cold outside, how did I not notice until now? My arms and legs tense lightly, about to get up on my feet, (You know you'd be more comfortable) but at the last second, I let myself fall back onto the snowy ground. (Ignore the cold, it’s wicked relaxing here) My clothes are drenched, but I guess it’s relaxing. (…) Time passes and all seems silent. I see nothing, I hear nothing. I try to think of what I have been thinking about but I remember nothing. Why am I laying here? As I recall, I can almost hear myself volunteer, “Where do you stack the firewood? I’ll go.” I had pushed open the back door and stepped outside. The snowy ground crunched beneath my Saucony sneakers, a sure sign that I would soon have cold feet. I walked down the stairs and saw the blizzard cutting into the glow of a street lamp, such elegant chaos. Awed by the view, I slowly sat down and stared until my vision went blurry. Flakes of snow appeared steadily beneath the spotlights, descending gently to collect on the winter floor- a delicate dance for one, but all together, a torrential stampede. A strange euphoric paralysis. I quickly come to and get up, making my way back to the cabin. As I draw closer, the sound of laughter and music bleeds louder from the door. I open the door and step into the heat. Pat looks up and begins to laugh, “Where’s the firewood?”
The Churn
From calm came commotion, then chaos. A shrill whisper from within that never planned on keeping quiet. That voice which demands attention but hastens to hinder it. Don’t heed the words. Hear them. Don’t read the words. See them. The churn-- it leaves reason one-step behind; sentences search for their periods in a sea of alphabet soup . There, a silent break unheard by those listening …to a now lagging… distorted sense of narrative. Every moment is a moment too late-- a lifetime spent chasing the moment-just-passed. Tangled moments bred in milliseconds- Clenched teeth- Crooked neck. Judgment reads these words before they’re writ. Such silence falls within a minute, clarity. Arm gladly fallen asleep around her, tingling. What was that? I thought I had something there. Every second… I second-guess the flow of this. Every thought ends too- Staccato. I dunno… Let it go. Twenty-two (by four-season years) and counting; A dream I seldom notice. It’s a task to tell when I know I’m in my head; Where does me start and where do I begin? A breath. A moment. Attention I wish to spend shaving but cut my neck attempting to remind myself to, “Ah, damnit!” When does enough become too much? The television stumbles closer down the tunnel hall as lazy feet drag me onto the ripped golden couch. “How the hell did I get here?” But then the chatter calms… The laughter of my sister draws my sight and a smile; though I know I’ll never know her mind, she brings peace to mine.
The Memory
And I closed my eyes, breathing the last of breaths in peace. As panicked as my thoughts screamed, I saw past them- My nervous smile somehow grew sincere because I knew I could do nothing to change this moment. My muscles loosened and I felt myself finally settle. I could no longer find reason for such frantic discontent. As a passenger and spectator to the unfolding of my life, There was no way to alter what had come to pass. Relinquish the terror and admit the truth of the situation. I knew I had no other choice; I knew then that I had to Force a smile from beneath my self-pity because A sudden, unnerving awareness commanded me to- My mind shrieked, “What can I do to get out of this?!” Distressed, restless, and hopeless- my eyes swelled and My body shook with ardent disbelief. Never had I felt so Deflated and horrified- I felt a primal fire rising deep within. I finally collapsed onto the ground, a broken thing. Deflated and horrified- I felt a primal fire rising deep within. My body shook with ardent disbelief. Never had I felt so Distressed, restless, and hopeless- my eyes swelled and My mind shrieked, “What can I do to get out of this?!” A sudden, unnerving awareness commanded me to Force a smile from beneath my self-pity because I knew I had no other choice; I knew then that I had to Relinquish the terror and admit the truth of the situation. There was no way to alter what had come to pass. As a passenger and spectator to the unfolding of my life, I could no longer find reason for such frantic discontent. My muscles loosened and I felt myself finally settle. I knew I could do nothing to change this moment. My nervous smile somehow grew sincere because, As panicked as my thoughts screamed, I saw past them- And I closed my eyes, breathing the last of breaths in peace.