7/23/19 5:34 AM Toffer is a good guy, he's definitely trying to be a good friend. He spent the night out in his car next to mine in a Buc-ee's parking lot so I wouldn't have to be homeless “ALONE!” He feigns that he's got issues at home so he has to stay out too, but I'm not really sure I buy it. I've barely slept at all. My current mood: blatant apathy. But I know that will soon turn to crushing attacks of miserable dread. I'm sitting in my car writing while Toffer is asleep in his. I guess I had hoped this small release would help ease the sleeplessness and boredom. Honestly, I'm more concerned with how hard it is to write on a pillow. I wonder if this collection of writings will become a powerful manifestation of my social recovery, or a long winded suicide note. Both seem equally likely, though I don't really ever see myself getting “better.” I've been broken like this for far too long. My confidence is zero. I don't even honestly know what I'm going to do for the next 24 hours. I could always try the Texas House homeless shelter. That feels unlikely. More likely I'll waste the day on my phone, playing games or searching for pictures for Tucker. The world seems to be waking up- it's nearly 6 AM not. I guess I feel a tired depression coming on. I wonder if Toffer is going to want to keep hanging out this morning, or if a simple “see you later” is more likely. I honestly can't say which one I'd prefer. I don't exactly have anywhere to go. The library again? I'd like to take a shower though. Uhg. Life is full of so much shit. I bought an energy drink, put on some Ben Folds, and I'm sitting on my car waiting for Toffer to wake. The sun is rising a dusty brick red stain on dark purple clouds, ruthlessly painting my day in dirty hues of sickening smog. As minutes pass, its temper lightens to pink oranges, but the canvas is still tainted with soiled smudges of smokey grey Houston haze. My thoughts return to the forests and mountains of New England. I doubt I'd do well there either. The scorching blaze of the Texas sun finally rears its face, a blinding sphere of oppression.
