At Least for Now.

LIKE AND FOLLOW THIS BLOG

1/27/24 – 12:35 PM

Bored captivation renders my stimulated mind desperate.
Desperate for external input and output,
For a direction to point this mind while I still have a choice.
Purple markings on a page,
Typed words scheduled for posting,
Controller buttons tapped to explore new worlds.
And yet what else can these hands do?
Clean? Organize? Play with the dogs?
For some reason I'm captivated by the pen.

With a pen in hand, I can be free to
live between white lines of creative hope.
It's better than wallowing alone in pitiful boredom.
Now that I have something to live for, the marriage,
It's harder to be so glum with my words.

I want to be sharing these words and scribbles.
Twenty-five people “subscribed.”
Face-to-face, that's enough.
Online, it's trivial. 
Especially without any comments.
At least it's something I can share.
All this work and emotion, is it worth it?
Time will tell... or I can decide right now.

I see the self-pity for what it is:
A crutch to avoid living life.
Or at least to avoid trying.
Excuses made to give up.
Easy rests not my heart,
but my mind sees clearly
that these “shit on Drew” parties
serve only to keep me disconnected
from the hope of a meaningful existence.

For too long I've entertained them with 
Deflated balloons and already-eaten-cake.
I don't know how to get better,
but I know hating myself won't help.
The longer these loathing stories play,
the harder it is to survive its vile
touch of self-destructive behavior.

So at least for now, I am loved.
At least for now, I am worth it.
At least for now, I can say I'm giving myself a shot.
Words are powerful and so are stories.

How about this one?
I find serenity and love for myself.
I find joy in life and in song again.
I find a job that makes me happy and proud.
The right challenges find me and I overcome.
Finally, the self-wallowing fades to just memory.

There is good in me begging to be released
from the prison of my own misery. Let it out.
The golden Buddha awaits beneath years of sludge
that has caked and covered my true loving nature.
Let the scum be washed away.
Let me shine once more with
Compassion and curiosity.